My attempt at Kraft easy mac starts a fire in the office, Harry Potter & The Cursed Child makes me feel a lot of feelings, mostly negative. SPOILERS AHEAD

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Since it’s release, anyone who knows me relatively well has asked me about this book. They either assume that I have read it already, or have made plans for a date with myself in the near future to cozy up to this one.

I had no intention to read Harry Potter & The Cursed Child, and this was a surprise to many, myself included.

I just feel like I had my closure. It was a wonderful, fun, imaginative series. I was sad to put down the 7th book. But it had to end eventually. The poor kid was in a grey’s anatomy-esque constant hell, him, his family and his friends always being murdered and whatnot.

(If the grey’s anatomy reference is causing you to scratch your head wondering what I am talking about, it’s because I genuinely believe grey’s anatomy takes place not in Seattle, but in hell. Everyone on the show ends up in the hospital as a patient, you grow to love a character and they get cancer, or the relative of a deceased patient shows up with a gun and shoots them, or the main cast is in a plane crash?!?!? All they wanted to do was practice medicine for fucks sake. I enjoyed the first 2 seasons as a wonderful means to put off doing homework in college, but since then I can’t keep track of all the tragedy that can befall one work place)

The last line of the 7th book (Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows) was “All was well.” Isn’t that such a succinct, finishing sentence?  It just felt like these characters I grew to love were now perfectly happy, were going to live out their lives without all the horrible crap. They get to be wizards in a world without Voldemort. That is cool. I do not want J. K Rowling to touch that. Because if you touch that with the intention of bringing out another story, then you have to give them more conflict. They had been through enough. ALL WAS WELL, REMEMBER?

It would be one thing if  Harry Potter & The Cursed Child was straight up fanfiction. I do not begrudge anyone the right to fall for a series and let their creativity run wild. That is actually really cool and I respect that. But the fact that J. K Rowling’s name is on this book makes it canon to me. Canon means IT’S NOT OVER, ALL WAS NOT WELL. I HAVE BEEN LIED TO.

So how did I end up reading this? My on and off relationship with e-reader has put me in this situation. The library website had one copy available and I snagged it really late at night when I was not thinking clearly.

This is written in the form of a play, because it literally is a play in London where apparently they are still trying to soak up that Harry Potter money. The only play I liked reading was Macbeth because Lady Macbeth was amazing and I still have the sonnet “Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased..” memorized.

So already I’m off to a sour start because of this play thing.

Harry is not the most supportive and empathetic father to his complicated and alienated youngest son. At first I don’t like this, but I get it.

The father figure situation in his childhood was not ideal:

Uncle Vernon – Subjected Harry through child abuse & neglect. Is there no wizarding social services? I know there is muggle social services. What was the point of having Arabella Figg live across the street from Harry his whole life if she wasn’t going to look out for him?

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Sirius Black – He expressed care and love for Harry, but was in Harry’s life for all of 3 years. And for half of that time he was more involved in his own self-pity than picking up the fatherly pieces for Harry.sb

Arthur Weasley – During Harry’s Hogwart’s years he saw him for about 2 weeks every summer, a month during Christmas break, gave him info about the Order of the Phoenix & Voldemort… I didn’t feel a lot of emotional support there. I mean, super nice guy. But he had what, 6-7 kids already.  The only think dadlike about him was when he asked Harry about muggle stuff and it felt very dad-joke like.

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Albus Dumbledore– Well, this is complicated.

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So sure, it make’s sense why Harry could use some parent coaching sessions and probably some intensive therapy for his PTSD, but book 7 ending in ALL WAS WELL was kind of like this promise to me that I would not have to ever think about Harry’s crappy parenting.

Moving on. Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange have a daughter. Sure, I can tell you all about this character’s role in this play. But I would rather fixate on the mere concept of Voldemort and Bellatrix copulating.

Voldemort and Bellatrix had sex?

What would that look like?

Who was on top? I just feel like it makes logical sense for Voldemort to be in control, but Bellatrix is pretty zany.

Was it IVF? I would imagine that being a simple process for a wizard!

When was Bellatrix pregnant? Were there any hints of her being pregnant? Because she had to be pregnant and given birth before Molly Weasley “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH” killed her in book 7.

How was the pregnancy and labor of Voldemort’s spawn?

Wouldn’t Voldemort somehow make sure that it was a boy? I just feel like carrying on the Voldemort name would be important to him. And I feel like a wizard as powerful as Voldemort could control sex and genetic makeup. Because magic.

Let’s go back to whether or not there was physical sex. Because I think Voldemort would have hated that.

I would like to think that ALL WAS WELL also means that I never have to think about Voldemort’s sex life.

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So back to the plot here. Harry ‘s son Albus is best buddies with Draco’s son Scorpious. The two charmers steal one of those time changer things that Hermione once used to  handle her overachieving workload (as no one is in place at Hogwarts to consider the mental health of its students, I NOMINATE MYSELF AS HOGWARTS SCHOOL COUNSELOR). They do this for the purpose of going back in time and saving Cedric Diggory. Because apparently we all still give a crap about Cedric Diggory. I mean sure, he was a young kid and it was unfortunate that he died, but a lot of people died in this series.

So now we are going back in time and revisiting the events of books I have already read.

Time travel is really hard to execute. And I always end up with a headache because you are left with so many plot holes when someone in the present changes something in the past and what you knew to be true is suddenly not true for 10 pages.

Anyway, I screwed up in making the go-to food that drunk college kids across the country successfully manage every freaking day.

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It LITERALLY HAS THE WORD EASY IN THE TITLE.

This is what it is supposed to look like:

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And this is what happens when you are doing a million things at once and say to yourself, JILL, DON’T FORGET TO REMOVE THE CHEESE PACKET THING BEFORE MICROWAVING IT. And you feel really good because you definitely removed the cheese packet thing so you pop it in the microwave for 3.5 minutes and go back to work. And 3 minutes later the fire alarms go off and the office smells terrible and the microwave has smoke coming out of it and you realize that you FORGOT TO ADD WATER:

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It’s important to be mindful. My sincere apologies to everyone in my office building as they had to stand outside in the rain while the fire department made their way up.

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